speaking in tongues

September 26, 2006 § 1 Comment

the how is she of it

September 23, 2006 § 1 Comment

there’s a rush to sadness but it, the it of it is not sad, a wrong shorthand a wrong idea a wrong backdrop, one may be sad and there are moments, there are waves of sadness in all of this that boil down to i am sad each i for himself but it is evocative, this business of aging mothers, mothers who were one day as young as they’ve always been and then of a sudden are as old as grandmothers used to be…and so now she’s taken on the visage of not only her mother but of her father too anyway how are you ouryoungestbrother asked, rejuvinated! she said, i’m forgetting all my memories.

wow

anyway now i have the answer to the how is your mother of it

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sweeet sorrow

September 19, 2006 § 3 Comments

yesterday was my brithday, was one of the those lovely all day long birthdays with my loving doting allsystems man of some let’s see 2006-1978 wow some 28 years, long enough that we forgot our anniversary last year, not that we don’t celebrate the us of us every day but that’s another story, anyway one of the sweetest parts was when my brother (ouryoungestbrother) phoned to sing me happy birthday just at the moment i was opening the package from them…and they made a card out of me on my birthday trike,

wow…don’t things circle back around on themselves, 57 and riding a trike again, ha!  it was topped off with a “lulu von judi” thankyou very much lulu from the underwood made with my birthday magelllan gin instead of junipero not to mention sharing it with lifelong friends and friends of friends and the people in our neighborhood that of course are even moreso community and there were flowers and a cake with candles and local champagne

the sorrow was, sigh, of course the absence of OurMother, the missing of her exuberant glee, when i phoned yesterday, Hi Ma, it’s judi today is my birthday, she said, oh yes, i knew there was something else about this day i wasn’t remembering…not that birthdays were one of her strong suits…there was my 30th birthday for instance where i, after an evening shift at st mary’s, returned home to our appt at the time in oakland and called her in winnipeg to wish her a happy birthday! i was drunk, we-ell tipsy shall i say, she was not amused…i thought it was perfect! anyway i missed her yesterday…had a sense of the gnarliness of this during my present to myself morning massage when she was wrestling the knot in my shoulder and i heard myself say, i’ve worked on that for ever and you want me to give it up in a moment…tapped right into the fundamental sense of loss here…wow–kept the knot, but one of my presents was another hour long massage so there’s hope…all in all it was a great success…anyway i’m finally old enough to wear pearls&overalls!

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miss d

September 18, 2006 § Leave a comment

i'm very nice and my team mate is very nice; they're having a nice time in that room

i don't complain about janet (read tehira) but i wish i didn't

 

 

 

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“…the differences are similar!”

September 15, 2006 § 1 Comment

did you discuss it with her they always want to know, those not caught up those already caught up those I always think that by default somehow should know better one of those killing questions like how are you–only fair if you’re somehow fine–a shorthand without nuance; brings to mind our misunderstanding of the idiomatic phrase equivalent in the Thai language for greeting, where are you going? It wasn’t until much later we found out the answer was either to work or to play and no one in fact was really interested in where we might be going, did we discuss it with her yes no maybe I don’t know it all depends, nevermind her, who? or when

it is a fair question we come from a longline, nevermind family, of discussers everything was discussed we discussessed discusssing we discussussed what we would discuss we discussed what we had discussed and what we hadn’t yet gotten around to discussing and we were good at it, hell we were relentless and OurMother mistress of all discussers would follow you anywhere including the bathroom for the sake of a good discussion well for the sake of any discussion and bygod we certainly discussed that

 

 

have you discussed it with her they ask, when we get around to that part of the discussion where we tell them she will not be going home that she cannot go home is not able to go home and I can only wonder what part of the previous discussions we’d had where we’d discussed her rather dramatic unfolding, delaminating nevermind no longer participating in discussions and I wonder but never discuss what they’d missed in their own discussions with her when she’d mentioned how she’s had plenty of visitors and they come more than the people who aren’t and that she went to sleep and had a good sleep and then woke up so she was awake now

and so as if this were a discussion unto itself like the discussion I learned at my mother’s knee there would be no short answers though there are short answers, and smart ass answers and answers that beg the question like why, there is no good answer to that afterall to discuss presumes on everything long since gone…butsoand I suppose–in a manner of speaking, in manner of speaking longsince discussing it with her was possible, which is ofcourse why she wasn’t coulnd’t hadnoidea didn’t want to know she wasn’t going home of course she knew she wasn’t going home but so the point was shecouldn’tdiscussit orelse we would have and she wouldcould be going home–we discussed it

but it took some ciphering or deciphering as the case was she’s really not talking much these days I’m not talking she says I’ve gone for days without saying a word she says putting her longlegged index finger up against her now thin lips, I don’t want them to know she says with a furtive twinkle in her eye, but she listens sometimes to words which she inserts haphazardly into her sparse conversation but mostly she is, eyes closed, listening in the forever undending moment in which in the best of times she lived, to music inside her head

anyway partly I didn’t discuss it with her because it was none of my business and besides I can’t speak the language that well

what are you listening to I ask lying beside her in the bed her hand tapping a rhythm on her leg "♪♪should auld acquaintance be forgot she sings and never brought to mind should auld acqaintance be forgot and days of auld lange syne♪♪" she sings

and later when again I ask what she’s listening to judi, she says stoutly don’t bother me!

and thing is we slid under the wire with no moment to have spared &yet there’s been a true to form about it and as I step back I cansee it has worked as it shouldhave and discussed or not there’s only one way through all of this no matter the which way we would have wanted or hoped to create, it all no matter the splendor boils downto safety, the great equalizer, and when I asked after they’d not let her return from her dayouting at the senior rehab center but hospitalized her instead never we all knew togo home again, if she knew why, she’d said smartly oh! the differences are very similar

ahyes, the differences are similar, it’s the similarities that are different

 

 

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to see or not to see

September 15, 2006 § Leave a comment

looking for photos for ourmother’s bulletin board in her “new place” that she’s very happy with, “I was there,” she said “with mama and pappa and gdalyah and esther and everyone recognized me because i had long hair and was wearing colorful clothers; i feel like i’m in kindergarden though that is not the case,” she said, “it feels like being with my friends” she answered when i asked what that felt like…

wow and good for her, she’s losing her mind as fast as she can allthewhile in the background there is still a grand debate about whether she has the right to know and should be told we are now selling the house, good god–as if…as if a thousand things…wow

new page. new paragraph. here is what i for so long called our jackinthe beanstalk plant but is in fact a paulownia tree which we planted between our house and the house the notsoneighborly neighbours built after the flood because they put windows in the side of the new raised house that looked right into our courtyard not to mention from our kitchen table we could look right into their blessed livingroom, sheesh

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no surf

September 9, 2006 § 1 Comment

no surf so we went for a bike ride along the west county regional bike trail, started in forestville

and ended up in graton where we had some fancy harissa fries and an outstanding mojito, hooya

tomorrow i’m starting on the gins…magellan, hendricks…meanwhile the ride back was no problemo

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