a day of plenty; thoughts on self-reliance

October 23, 2010 § 5 Comments

sensei,

just to say again, thank you for the place, and space, and your time and willingness…and your help

years ago paul and I took a wilderness canoe trip in the Laurentian Shield of Quetico…three weeks, so far in we we saw no other humans, had islands to ourselves and packs, and a canoe to carry which in time, over longer portages he started doing himself, since it was less awkward, and it upset me and otherwise frightened me how incredibly dependent I was, and otherwise possibly screwed if something happened to him…and I would have these little tempests where I’d insist on carrying the canoe myself…impossible of course…and I didn’t like it, and didn’t give it up either, didn’t learn is what I mean

and clearly this thing about doing it oneself still is complicated and rears its funny head for me at various times,

so it was a nice peaceful place to realize–amidst so much during this time of rotator cuff repair depending on the time and kindness of others for the most basic of things–that of course I would need help printing this book, and it is, was, a false god if you will to have needed to ‘do it by myself’ and so there we are, there we were the many of us, standing side by side, in this co-op, in this co-operative place and time there we are co-operating…it’s quixotic really this lure of doing it all by myself…and, in its own way self reliance is of course, limiting…and even amidst the bustle and tear of the many I believe I came away with some of the attending-to lessons in hand; centers, and justification, measurements and the humility and hubris of upside down f’s and s’s and out of school o’s..and the never ending, even for the best of them, last minute or in the minute problems to be solved, and the unwavering mysteries of perfection opposing the more appealing for me face of excellence…there it is of course, on the face of it my default is not perfection, just as it is not symmetrical…

anyway appreciating metaphors as I do, the notion of shouldering is brought to bear, and the poetry of DRUM itself…’even the moon loses face’

and at our, (read my) age, the even more I might think clearly for myself, less and less will I (be able to) do things by myself…the canoe thing, all over again…

which makes this co-operative venture that much more

 

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§ 5 Responses to a day of plenty; thoughts on self-reliance

  • Doug says:

    can you canoe…I get what you’re weaving here as for years I did the solitary..feeling the collective conjured up the feeling of family or lack thereof…and the indecision and pettiness of splitting the check ..but as the tab comes due, I wonder for how long I be able to parse the menu.

    Cool

    • judigoldberg says:

      it’s the like it or not, parse it the which ways i have, i do…gritting my teeth all the way…which is not really even true…always…need help, ha! even like having help, or doing in concert…oh see how it can be prettied…i guess it’s the hidden costs that curry my reluctances…but it’s all lies…truths be told, i’ve always had the support of others…

  • Breck Parkman says:

    Nice… very, very nice!

  • Jude, can totally relate. I was so independent, too. Now , having to ask for help in such simple things as someone to go to the store, to drive me places, to clean my house…it’s been my biggest struggle over these 20 years but , like you, I’m beginning to mellow. We’ll all in this together, really. Sometimes I can help. Sometimes you can help. Sometimes we can do for ourselves. Sometimes not. It’s a gift to give. By taking the gift you also give.

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