fear

August 8, 2012 § 4 Comments

I was on the verge for quite a while this time. There were in my defense lots of decisions, on the other hand there always are, and that’s part of the fun, part of the pleasure of it all. It’s that failure thang…but, here’s the jangle, the kernel the trick because it is a failure, but not, as we so readily and easily offer and truss up, not a failure of outcome, not the failure of the finished product. It is rather, a failure of vision, of hope and faith and the moment, the many moments that are part and parcel of the imagining all along the way. Trepidation or not…well there it is again, or not what, ha! of not being able to work out of the jam, or to use a baseball metaphor out of the stretch. Another trick. I am as good as 63 years old, of course I can find my way out of a jam, it is the nature of accommodating, of going with the flow, it is the magic of art, and the heart of it all.
The worst of it would be not doing it because of all the becauses; the failure of course would be, is succumbing to the futility of the abundant what ifs, is the paralysis of intolerance in the face of unexpected outcomes, of which there are always many. Life is dangerous, and not for the faint of heart.
The best was, is simply saying I was afraid, I am afraid, and oh big breath of fresh air, being done with it, because the worst would be not doing it because I was afraid it wouldn’t—a thousand it wouldn’t/s, or more aptly because I wouldn’t a thousand things, and I won’t and it won’t, but/t and a big one at that, by the finish it will be:
kindness of strangers a memoir based on fancy, or a fancy based on memoir,
or probably just a reveillelation
a limited varied edition, handset and handprinted by the author.
ohhellyes.

~~~~~*&*~~~~~~~

it will be among other things an exercise in foresight and planning and tolerating the reality of being ‘out of sorts’ because I do not have enough sorts to set the whole thing without distributing along the way, and the two-ups for the several versions are not the same. snazzy hunh?!

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